Hey all, obviously I haven’t posted to this blog for AGES but I now have a new blog! No I don’t – the blog that was referred to here also died. For shame. Go to Laughsend.com instead, because it’s relatively funny
Today’s strange story from the dirty parts of the world is brought to you by Anabel Grier, mum of 2, who uses the internet to spread her strange Star Wars lust stories. In the latest edition of her blog, she purports to use Star Wars characters to pleasure her, including a 3ft wobbly lightsaber which she confesses to “smelling a bit like burnt fish”. She writes:
“I got into all this from visiting the website utterpants.co.uk. It was so depraved, run by women with the dirtiest ideas and the filthiest mouths – it was awesome! I learned a lot there, things like how to pleasure myself with a Lord of the Rings sculpture (I chose Gimli because he was pointiest) and how to write about my experiences so that other people could be enlightened!”
In her collection she purports to have numerous toys, including dido’s latest album which she says is “the best kind of music you can listen to…although the Star Wars soundtrack is pretty sexy too”. Pride of place in the collection goes to her replica Gaffi stick.
“It cost me about 80 euros from a stall in Prague market. When I bought it I had no intention to use it as a sexy toy, but the girl I bought it off gave me a quick demonstration whilst I was there at the stall. The look on her face made it clear that it was well worth 80 euros of anyone’s money. That, combined with the advice from utterpants, made me desire Star Wars in more ways than one. When I got back to the UK, the first thing I did was try it out. Oh. My. God! It was amazing. Once you’ve tried Gaffi stick, you never go back.”
Anabel Grier’s weblog is currently seeing a soar in visitor numbers, up to 10 visitors in one day at the peak. She does, however, feel there’s room for improvement.
“The way I see it, my acts with Star Wars figures are just the tip of a very sexy iceburg. Unfortunately, every Joe and Jane Blogs is writing things just as depraved as me so I only get a share of the glory.”
Graham Norton’s “slip” last night during the BBC’s “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” has sparked speculation of a live TV audition platform for deciding Labour’s successor to current Prime Minister, Tony Blair. ‘Gay’ Norton let slip subtle clues about the possible new program, including references to “that handsome Scot”, “the fat pig” and “that Short woman”.
BBC spokesperson Gill Frill, told us:
“No, no. It’s all a misunderstanding. He was talking about the CBeebies program ‘Balamory’. The handsome scot in question is, of course, the decadently-pink Archie; the fat pig, one can assume is PC Plum. The short woman, I’m guessing, is either the one in the wheelchair or the little dumpy one who runs the shop with her.”
That Norton might describe the “fruitiest” member of Balamory as “handsome” is, in our opinion, plausible. However, we’re still hedging our bets on the whole thing being a cover up for a “fall-season” all-dancing, all-singing, spectacular.
We wish that Ant and Dec were doing it though, to be honest.
West Yorkshire – Brian Myles, 40, is today resting at home following an incident which left him with a chipped incisor and a dented fender (to his mouth and car, respectively). Myles, a Yorkshire businessman and described by his friends as “mild mannered”, got involved in an altercation between close-friend Troy Stone and a visitor to Myles’ Fish and Chip Shop, The Plaice To Be. Alison, (fat fryer on a Tuesday) said:
“It were proper scary, I’ve never seen Troy so mad. This bloke comes in and asks for Haddock and to make it Super Sized for free. Troy was in the front of t’shop talking to Brian on his mobile – Brian was emptyin’ t’bins in t’back – he told this bloke ‘free?! You can’t go askin’ for things free you know?’. Anyway, this bloke was a big fella and he squared up to Troy and told him to mind his own business. He swore, I think, an’ all. Troy kind of bumped his chest into him and asked him to step outside. Brian come into t’ front of t’shop and saw ‘em leaving. When he went out the bloke cracked him one, sending him diving into his Mondeo Ghia X. Troy scarpered sharpish, ‘aven’t seen ‘im since.”
Myles is recovering at home and is set to visit the Dentist on Friday.